D
dieHard
Guest
For all you MVP's & "wannabes" in training, here's a few basic
rules:
1) If a poster is having hardware trouble, always respond with "It's
YOUR fault, you should have done you HOMEWORK", regardless of the
actual problem. In fact, reading the entire post isn't even
necessary.
- example: "So what if your new $500 "Vista Certified" video card has
no drivers? We never said it would work right NOW, we meant it MIGHT
work LATER." BTW, "Homework" = "Upgrade Advisor", yea, we know it's
seriously flawed, but who cares? We get to laugh at & ridicule those
stupid enough to have trusted it in the first place. It's a "win-win"
situation for us if ever there was one.
2) If a poster is having software trouble, always respond with "It's
YOUR fault, you should have done you HOMEWORK", regardless of the
actual problem.
See? Easy isn't it? We went to great lengths to make sure upgraders
would have to buy as much new software (and hardware) as possible.
See, we have this "deal" with the vendors, but don't mention this
online, just blame the vendors instead. They don't care, they're
getting rich too. Besides, they won't say anything if they know what's
good for them.
3) If a poster protests or questions your reply, take it up a notch.
Calling a poster stupid is usually sufficient to put them in their
place.
How dare they. Better yet, divert all attention by complaining about
something totally unrelated, like top-posting or OT posts. Disparaging
comments about the posters mental state or physical attributes are
always a good way to sidestep any and all issues.
4) If a poster presents evidence that you are full of sh*t, merely
sneer and call them a liar. Always question their sources and present
links to OUR crapola, like the Upgrade Advisor or the Hardware
Compatibility List. Remember, these are what we are paying Marketing
for. Use them. Otherwise, when in doubt, simply lie (see #5).
5) Make stuff up. Technical expertise is not required on your part.
Just reply with baffling diatribes comprised of whatever you can pull
out of your butt. The more mind-numbing stupidity the better, this
serves to leave posters with that "deer in the headlights" look while
they try and comprehend what you just said. At the very least, this
ought to keep them quiet for a while. And whatever you do, never fall
into the trap of having to "prove" you point. Tell the posters to
prove theirs instead. We are above such things.
6) "It works for me". This is quickly becoming the mantra of choice.
It's benefits are twofold; #1) It clearly establishes you as
technically superior to the poster, as well as smarter - go ahead,
beat your chest like an ape, you've earned it. #2) It is just one more
way to inform a poster of their obvious low IQ (see #3 above). Never
pass on an opportunity to employ this tactic. Why? Because as long as
we aren't actually going to help anyone, we may as well provide some
sitcom quality entertainment. Good boy, have a banana.
7) Be sure and spend as mush as possible net-copping the newsgroup.
This is just as good as offering any actual technical help, and it's
far easier and much more fun. Berate posters that they're posting in
the wrong newsgroup, or that their posts are off-topic. Best of all,
be sure and post moronic "Rules of Conduct" in an effort to place
yourself on a pedestal, rising above the rest of the mere mortals.
However, NEVER belittle the newsgroup's pet morons, like Frank & Bill
Yaniare. Yeah, we know they're just clueless doofuses, but they're so
Pro-Anything-Microsoft, we just don't have the heart to ban their
sorry asses.
8) If all else fails, simply call the poster a troll and encourage all
your fanboy buddies to sing along. This is generally the easiest route
since after all, we are Borg of Redmond.
9) Repeat steps 1-8 ad nauseum. Cut & Paste was designed just for this
purpose. Remember, it's not a lie if YOU believe it.
Never forget, this is all part of the grand design, to promote and
protect the Church of Microsoft. Religious zealotry is our way of
life, it is in our hands to seek out and crush the infidels where ever
they may be.
Microsoft is NEVER wrong, NEVER at fault. We are the shepherds,
upgraders everywhere are the sheep. When the collection plate passes,
feel free to toss in your balls and your brain. Now bend over,
...attaboy.
* Disclaimer*
Your true mission, while cleverly disguised as "Technical Support" is
really all about noise and damage control.
Microsoft Legal loves you. How else could we possible assemble an army
of mindless unpaid droids to do our dirty work, all while having no
official or legal obligation, not to mention responsibility or
accountability?
God Bless America.
rules:
1) If a poster is having hardware trouble, always respond with "It's
YOUR fault, you should have done you HOMEWORK", regardless of the
actual problem. In fact, reading the entire post isn't even
necessary.
- example: "So what if your new $500 "Vista Certified" video card has
no drivers? We never said it would work right NOW, we meant it MIGHT
work LATER." BTW, "Homework" = "Upgrade Advisor", yea, we know it's
seriously flawed, but who cares? We get to laugh at & ridicule those
stupid enough to have trusted it in the first place. It's a "win-win"
situation for us if ever there was one.
2) If a poster is having software trouble, always respond with "It's
YOUR fault, you should have done you HOMEWORK", regardless of the
actual problem.
See? Easy isn't it? We went to great lengths to make sure upgraders
would have to buy as much new software (and hardware) as possible.
See, we have this "deal" with the vendors, but don't mention this
online, just blame the vendors instead. They don't care, they're
getting rich too. Besides, they won't say anything if they know what's
good for them.
3) If a poster protests or questions your reply, take it up a notch.
Calling a poster stupid is usually sufficient to put them in their
place.
How dare they. Better yet, divert all attention by complaining about
something totally unrelated, like top-posting or OT posts. Disparaging
comments about the posters mental state or physical attributes are
always a good way to sidestep any and all issues.
4) If a poster presents evidence that you are full of sh*t, merely
sneer and call them a liar. Always question their sources and present
links to OUR crapola, like the Upgrade Advisor or the Hardware
Compatibility List. Remember, these are what we are paying Marketing
for. Use them. Otherwise, when in doubt, simply lie (see #5).
5) Make stuff up. Technical expertise is not required on your part.
Just reply with baffling diatribes comprised of whatever you can pull
out of your butt. The more mind-numbing stupidity the better, this
serves to leave posters with that "deer in the headlights" look while
they try and comprehend what you just said. At the very least, this
ought to keep them quiet for a while. And whatever you do, never fall
into the trap of having to "prove" you point. Tell the posters to
prove theirs instead. We are above such things.
6) "It works for me". This is quickly becoming the mantra of choice.
It's benefits are twofold; #1) It clearly establishes you as
technically superior to the poster, as well as smarter - go ahead,
beat your chest like an ape, you've earned it. #2) It is just one more
way to inform a poster of their obvious low IQ (see #3 above). Never
pass on an opportunity to employ this tactic. Why? Because as long as
we aren't actually going to help anyone, we may as well provide some
sitcom quality entertainment. Good boy, have a banana.
7) Be sure and spend as mush as possible net-copping the newsgroup.
This is just as good as offering any actual technical help, and it's
far easier and much more fun. Berate posters that they're posting in
the wrong newsgroup, or that their posts are off-topic. Best of all,
be sure and post moronic "Rules of Conduct" in an effort to place
yourself on a pedestal, rising above the rest of the mere mortals.
However, NEVER belittle the newsgroup's pet morons, like Frank & Bill
Yaniare. Yeah, we know they're just clueless doofuses, but they're so
Pro-Anything-Microsoft, we just don't have the heart to ban their
sorry asses.
8) If all else fails, simply call the poster a troll and encourage all
your fanboy buddies to sing along. This is generally the easiest route
since after all, we are Borg of Redmond.
9) Repeat steps 1-8 ad nauseum. Cut & Paste was designed just for this
purpose. Remember, it's not a lie if YOU believe it.
Never forget, this is all part of the grand design, to promote and
protect the Church of Microsoft. Religious zealotry is our way of
life, it is in our hands to seek out and crush the infidels where ever
they may be.
Microsoft is NEVER wrong, NEVER at fault. We are the shepherds,
upgraders everywhere are the sheep. When the collection plate passes,
feel free to toss in your balls and your brain. Now bend over,
...attaboy.
* Disclaimer*
Your true mission, while cleverly disguised as "Technical Support" is
really all about noise and damage control.
Microsoft Legal loves you. How else could we possible assemble an army
of mindless unpaid droids to do our dirty work, all while having no
official or legal obligation, not to mention responsibility or
accountability?
God Bless America.